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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30070125">Fix It.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltedIceAngel/pseuds/MeltedIceAngel'>MeltedIceAngel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Empathy [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anxiety, Asthma, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Companion Piece, Cutting, Depressed Na Jaemin, Depression, Failed Suicide Attempt, Feeding Tubes, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Guilt, It Gets Better, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Lee Jeno, Rare Cancer, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Tracheal Cancer, protective renjun, radiation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:40:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30070125</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltedIceAngel/pseuds/MeltedIceAngel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Not everything is an explosion. Sometimes things start with the chirping of the birds and frost on the ground lending that lingering smell of spring morning and the memory of a quiet night. One moment Jaemin’s mind is a solace of music he liked, books he enjoyed reading, food he wanted to eat, and plans for the days ahead. Now, there was something else there; a voice he had never heard before. </p><p>It was quiet, almost a whisper. It sounded a lot like himself if he focused on it hard enough. It was telling him that had he just paid more attention to Chenle, he would have been able to help. Maybe if Jaemin had said something back when he’d first noticed Chenle out of breath on the stairs leaving practice then he wouldn’t have a time bomb strapped to his back. </p><p>--</p><p>Chenle is diagnosed with cancer, and Jaemin is falling apart. In the end, both of them are dying. Jaemin cries out for help in the only way he knows how; pretending everything is okay and praying to whatever God exists that someone hears him scream while no one's home.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Empathy [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2212308</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Voice.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Bam, companion piece to Stargazing is finally rocking and rolling. I actually decided to start writing this before finishing Stargazing since a lot of commenters are very curious about Jaemin's mental progression, and I really wanted to keep the remaining part of the story on Chenle and Jisung. Thus, here we are. </p><p>I don't plan on having a companion piece for any other character, although a lot of people are very interested in Jeno and Donghyuck, so if any of you are actually interested please let me know and I will try and figure out if there's a way I can make something small for them. As for this story, it will probably be as long as Stargazing. (100k words at the end) </p><p>If you haven't read the companion piece to this story, I would recommend you read the first chapter at least to get an idea of what is going on. A vague summary of the first chapter of it would be that Chenle is diagnosed with a rare form of Tracheal cancer and is given a year to live. I would read it though! It's way better than my shot gun summary. </p><p>https://archiveofourown.org/works/21165404/chapters/50376578</p><p>Song used when writing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvVQ1TFdOYw</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Not all things start with a grand explosion and the raining fire made of pieces of ash and metal. Some things come on gradual, like tiny tiptoes into the shallow end of a sludgy pool. It’s easy to see that you’re going somewhere, just not where. </p><p>For Jaemin, it starts with wanting his room dark. It was a little thing that changed over time. One day he prefers the curtains open just a little, letting in some light to keep his brain from constantly being in sleep mode, and then the next he’s buying black-out curtains and obsessing over keeping even the smallest sliver of light out. </p><p>Maybe it was the escape from reality that influenced him to become a hermit vampire. It was a play on his mind, the darkness making him believe that if the sun had not risen, then he had no responsibilities to attend to. He could just be Na Jaemin, a normal teenager, for a little while longer. </p><p>The next noticeable thing was his aversion to certain textures. Suddenly the feeling of his MacBook was grating on his senses, and the feeling of biting into a mushroom made him want to jump out of his seat and convulse on the floor. Even things he had enjoyed his whole life, like red bean filling and carrots, left him with his mouth clenched for hours. </p><p>Perhaps then the aversion to certain sounds coming next should have been foreseen, but it wasn’t, much like the other two. One day, Jaemin could reasonably handle the sound of Chenle tiredly scraping his spoon against his bowl as he ate, and the next, perhaps a progression of a week at most, Jaemin wanted to take that spoon, snap it in half, and throw it off the highest balcony of the tallest building in Seoul. </p><p>Then there was how Jisung ground his teeth at night, and how Renjun mumbled to himself while doing simple tasks, and how Jeno chewed just a bit too loud whenever they ate anything soft and saliva-inducing. It had Jaemin so overwhelmed on a normal basis that this was the first time he had ever noticed a mood change to come along with his new quirk. </p><p>In simple terms, he was absolutely miserable. He could not rationalize why someone eating cereal a bit too loudly would make him irrationally angry. Take that person and ring their neck angry. His friends did not deserve the torrent of yelling he wanted to break out with every time someone so much as closed the microwave too strongly, so the only reasonable solution readily available to him was to stay away from anything that could bring about that feeling. </p><p>He ate his meals alone in his room, if at all. He kept his headphones on and music playing when it was necessary to be around the others, and when all else failed, clenching his teeth and breathing through the feeling was all he could really do. </p><p>After that, it stayed relatively the same. There were times where he began to resent his friends. Why did Chenle scrape the bowl on every scoop? Why did Jisung always have a nose so stuffed up he had to mouth breathe as he ate? Why did Renjun click his pens so much?</p><p>Things were fine, at least to him. No one really brought it up if they did notice anything different, and it wasn’t like Jaemin was going out of his way to show how pissed every little thing made him. Really, they should be proud of how well he held himself together. </p><p>There was a breaking point though, and while it wasn’t explosive on the outside, inside it was a martyr's duty to figure out why his stomach was all the way up in his throat while his heart had crashed to the floor. </p><p>Chenle was diagnosed with cancer, and suddenly the floor was the ceiling and he was dangling by the skin of his teeth. All those little annoyances compounded at once into something so horrifyingly overwhelming that for the first time, Jaemin wondered if the sound of someone’s voice was enough to kill him. </p><p>There he sat, bottom on the floor and back to the wall, body suffocating in shot nerves as Jisung sobbed in the living room and Renjun and Jeno tried to console him. Jaemin was angry, lost, confused; who made the decision to call Renjun before their manager could break away to tell them in person? Who thought that it was less traumatizing to be told your best friend was dying over a choppy phone line?</p><p>For them, maybe, but Jaemin wondered if Renjun’s ringtone would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life. </p><p>Once Jisung had cried himself to sleep, Renjun’s eyes fell fully on where Jaemin had not so much as shifted. He walked over, his socked feet barely making noise as he got closer. </p><p>“Hey,” Renjun said. Jaemin couldn’t force up a response. “Do you need anything?”</p><p>Jaemin wondered whether it would be rude to respond along the lines of <em>for everyone to leave me alone. </em>Instead, he pulled his lips up into what may have passed as a smile and shook his head. </p><p>“No, I’m good. Fine. Yeah, I’m--just fine,” Jaemin said. Renjun’s soft smile seemed more like a frown now. </p><p>“Okay, you know where to find me if you need me,” Renjun pat Jaemin twice on the arm before taking his leave. No interrogation, no forced contact, nothing. Just a quick <em>hey I’m here for you </em>and Jaemin was alone. </p><p>Anger began to bleed the tiniest bit out of him, and for a split second, Jaemin wished Renjun hadn’t left. All of a sudden being by himself felt constricting; as if someone had fully severed his ties to the rest of the world. Jeno and Jisung were out of his sight, Renjun had closed the door to his room and likely wouldn’t be returning without prompting, and Jaemin was alone with his thoughts. </p><p>Not everything is an explosion. Sometimes things start with the chirping of the birds and frost on the ground lending that lingering smell of spring morning and the memory of a quiet night. One moment Jaemin’s mind was the solace of music he liked, books he enjoyed reading, food he wanted to eat, and plans for the days ahead. Now, there was something else there; a voice he had never heard before. </p><p>It was quiet, almost a whisper. It sounded a lot like himself if he focused on it hard enough. It was telling him that had he just paid more attention to Chenle, he would have been able to help. Maybe if Jaemin had said something back when he’d first noticed Chenle out of breath on the stairs leaving practice then he wouldn’t have a time bomb strapped to his back. </p><p>The voice told Jaemin it was all his fault. He complained so much about Chenle and his annoying habits that karma had finally come around to get him for it. Jaemin had at one point looked at those tiny irritants as something he could kill Chenle over, and now Chenle was dying. Was it not his own wishes that had led to this outcome?</p><p>No, because Jaemin had never wished for such a thing. It had been fits of fury, and he’d never <em>meant </em>it. They were over-dramatized words. Why would the universe punish him fiercely for a few misguided thoughts?</p><p>Jaemin loved Chenle. He was such a crucial part of his life that he couldn’t imagine how deep and painful the hole would be without him. He would hear that spoon smack the glass bowl a million times if Jaemin could fall asleep now and wake up when he could have done something. He would smile at every sudden, loud laugh no matter how startled he was. No matter how much he wanted to curl up and hide whenever Chenle tried to tickle him or hugged him just a bit too long, he would let it happen. </p><p>The voice screamed that he was lying to himself. He would wake up a month ago and still internally collapse every time Chenle was a bit too loud a bit too suddenly. He would still shake like a leaf every time Chenle ate. He would still lock the door behind him because Chenle’s laugh was too loud, too grating on his senses, and he just couldn’t take it. </p><p>Jaemin’s lips wobbled and tears fell in thick droves down his cheeks. This was his fault. All of it was his fault. </p><p>He pulled his hands up to his open mouth, the air locked in his chest the only thing stopping him from screaming. It was the quietest he’d ever cried, and yet it was the most devastated he’d ever felt. Chenle was dying, and Jaemin could have done something. He could have stopped this had he just said something. </p><p>“<em>No,”  </em> Jaemin said, the word broken by his sobs. “Oh, no. <em>No,</em>” He couldn’t breathe. Saying anything felt like trying to pull a bowling ball out of his chest. The force was so strong he felt like he was about to throw up. </p><p>Jaemin cried alone in the hallway, and in that small period, that voice in his head became his. The lies that it spoke became the irrefutable truth. He cried through the pain until there was nothing left, and even then he was limp against the wall unable to move. Jeno had come by once to check on him, but after a few tries realized that Jaemin would not respond and had simply left him to process on his own. </p><p>“Can I fix it?” Jaemin whispered to himself, licking the tears that had almost dried on his face. The voice, <em>his </em>voice, responded instantly. </p><p>
  <em> What else can you do? You did this. You’re the reason Jisung is going to lose his boyfriend before they even become adults. You’re the reason Renjun has been locked in his room all night. You’re the reason Mark and Taeyong are sleeping on hospital chairs while Chenle is in surgery.</em>
</p><p>Jaemin hit himself in the chest. It did nothing to disperse the pain, but it was a momentary distraction that let him break out of the train of thought before he could fall too deep. </p><p>
  <em> Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.  </em>
</p><p>Jaemin took a deep breath and pulled his lips up into the only smile he could manage. He shook his limbs, stretched out his neck, and pushed himself off the floor. He kept his smile in place even as he went to the bathroom, washed his face, and patted the redness in the hopes it would help it go down. </p><p>“I’m okay. I can help the others because I’m okay. Everything will be fine, I just need to make sure they’re okay, too,” Jaemin said to his reflection. His chest twinged, his legs threatened to collapse underneath him, and he was still focusing a bit too hard on the pain radiating from where he’d hit himself, but he was <em> fine.  </em></p><p>
  <em> You lie to even yourself. </em>
</p><p>Jaemin’s smile slipped, but he pulled it back up immediately. He went to bed that night with that smile on his face, even when the tears fell and soaked his pillow. Even when Jisung crawled into bed with him and wrapped his arms so tight it felt like Jaemin might suffocate, Jaemin had his voice up and that smile on his face. It was dark enough that Jisung would never know that Jaemin’s ears had been clogged with his own tears. </p><p>“I’m so scared,” Jisung said, and Jaemin rubbed his forced steady hand up and down Jisung’s back. </p><p>“We will get through this together,” Jaemin said, and Jisung cried into his chest and fell into a fitful sleep. Staring at Jisung’s face, the puffy red, the wet tracks, Jaemin couldn’t help but whine miserably as he cried again. </p><p>“I’m okay,” Jaemin said through his hitching breath. </p><p>Somehow, he managed to fall asleep, too.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Lies.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“We have to go! Our manager will be here in fifteen minutes!” Jeno screeched and bolted back out the door. Jisung seemed to be in a stupor, but after rubbing his eyes until he saw little more than stars he paused, took in a hitched breath, and the tears poured out. Jaemin wrapped a careful arm around Jisung’s shoulders and pressed his face into Jisung’s unwashed hair, biting his lip so hard he could taste blood but refusing to cry himself.</p><p>“Sorry, I forgot for a second.”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaemin thought their company would be lenient and give them a day off, but there was still the buzz of his phone at seven-thirty am telling him the car would arrive within the next half an hour. He felt like cold lead, his body both too heavy to move and so light it felt as if he was floating several feet above his bed. Some points felt more than others; his heart was still heavy, his stomach still twisted into knots, his head pounding. </p><p>Jisung was a weight on his shoulder, perhaps the only thing tethering him to the ground. It made Jaemin want to scream. </p><p>On the inside, he cried over the next few hours of perpetually trying to keep up some facade of composure, while on the outside he was already setting his face and trying to keep his limbs from shaking too much. He was one whistle blow away from toppling over like a house made of sand, and yet his mental resolve was so solid that somehow he remained standing when Jeno burst into the room and startled Jisung awake. </p><p>“We have to go! Our manager will be here in fifteen minutes!” Jeno screeched and bolted back out the door. Jisung seemed to be in a stupor, but after rubbing his eyes until he saw little more than stars he paused, took in a hitched breath, and the tears poured out. Jaemin wrapped a careful arm around Jisung’s shoulders and pressed his face into Jisung’s unwashed hair, biting his lip so hard he could taste blood but refusing to cry himself.</p><p>“Sorry, I forgot for a second,” Jisung said after so much time had passed they were hopeless to be ready on time. Jaemin shook his head and pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of Jisung’s own. </p><p>“You never have to apologize for this. If you need to get it out, get it out. I’m right here,” Jaemin had to clench his throat to keep his voice from breaking, but Jisung nodded and laid his head back on Jaemin’s shoulder. It worked, and Jaemin had no idea how, but for the time being Jisung thought Jaemin was a pillar of strength. </p><p>“I’m so angry,” Jisung shook, his eyes pressed closed against the onslaught of negative thoughts. Jaemin rubbed a finger against Jisung’s cheek and tried to think of something worthwhile to say. </p><p>There was no point in telling him not to be angry. Jaemin was furious, and devastated, and longed for the blissful moments before any of this had become a reality. He dreamed of waking up and realizing it had all been a dream, while in the real world Chenle was ventilated and still in a hospital room fighting to stay alive. It was all so bizarre, so otherworldly, and yet Jaemin had to somehow tell Jisung that everything would be alright and guide him out of his anger.</p><p>Or maybe Jisung should feel anger. Wasn’t it a saying that all emotions are valid and should be felt? It didn’t seem right to tell Jisung to keep feeling the way he was feeling. Jaemin was supposed to make him feel better, not leave him to wallow. “What would make you feel better?” Jaemin asked instead of saying anything to contradict what Jisung said. Time stretched again before Jisung sighed and shrugged his shoulders minutely. </p><p>“Nothing. Ripping my hair out, yelling at the doctor, disgracing God,” Jisung said so monotone that Jaemin sucked in a breath of his own. “I want to destroy something. I want to shatter that glass over there so bad. Why aren’t I? Why do I want to<em> so bad </em>but I can’t move?” </p><p>Jaemin attributed the control to the same sort of hold he had on his own emotions whenever he was overloaded. Every time someone coughed it was like the world was crumbling around him and all he wanted to do was shove his hand down their throat and pull up whatever was caught there. He didn’t, because something held him back. </p><p>“Because you have a reason not to. Something is telling you that no matter how much you <em>want </em>to break the glass, you don’t <em>need </em>to break the glass,” Jaemin whispered. Jisung hummed and wiped his eyes, turning to grab his phone and check the time. </p><p>“So much for breakfast, showers, getting properly dressed…” Jisung trailed off, showing Jaemin his phone. It was seven fifty-seven, meaning they’d left themselves three entire minutes to get ready. </p><p>“Whatever, it’s not our problem. They should know already that there’s no hope of us being put together,” Jaemin grumbled, pushing Jisung up and out of the bed. He followed behind and momentarily had to pause. </p><p>The world swam in front of him, the floor spinning and everything around him melting into swirling spots. He blinked, trying to rid his vision of the impairment, but in the end, he was forced to sit back down and cover his eyes before he fainted. Jisung was touching him, Jaemin could vaguely feel the pressure on his knees, but his stomach was rolling and even the thought of opening his mouth had bile threatening to come up. </p><p>“What’s going on?” </p><p>Jaemin didn’t look up but knew Renjun had come in to check on them. Jisung mumbled something that Jaemin couldn’t make out, and suddenly the weight on his knees was gone and replaced by a more gentle touch on his shoulder. </p><p>“Hey, does your head hurt?” Renjun whispered. Jaemin shook his head, although there was that small pound somewhere behind his left eye that threatened a headache. “Do you want to talk?”</p><p>“No,” Jaemin responded instantly. He had a million different variations of how fine he was ready to be spat into Renjun’s face, but Renjun took his refusal as the only answer he needed and didn’t try to pry anything out of him. </p><p>“Well, I want you to know that I’m here if you do. Until then, do you want me to grab you some clothes so you can get ready?” Renjun asked. Jaemin’s heart shot up into his throat and he had to gasp to regulate the feeling. Renjun patted him on the back with one hand and laid the other on Jaemin’s chest. “I’m sorry. I can just leave--”</p><p>“No, no. It’s not that. I just--yeah, I would appreciate that. Thank you,” Jaemin said. Renjun nodded and stood, not pulling his hands away until he absolutely had to. The sound of Renjun shuffling through his clothes was distracting and overwhelming, but Jaemin tried his best to breathe through the feeling and focus on the fact the sounds were only there because Renjun was trying to help him. </p><p>A full outfit including socks and shoes were settled down beside him. Jaemin looked at the purple and blue shirt with a hint of disdain but elected to just get on with it and get dressed. Renjun pointed back toward the door and left, leaving it a bit cracked just in case he was needed. Jaemin chuckled mirthlessly and shrugged the clothes on, taking his time to lace up his shoes and brush out his hair. </p><p>It was eight-fifteen and he was thoroughly finished with the day. Just getting dressed was enough to sap him of all his remaining energy, and the pounding behind his eye had truly blossomed into what may continue to grow into a pleasant migraine. </p><p>“Ready?” Renjun poked his head back in. Jisung was sniffling against the wall with Jeno’s arm wrapped loosely around his shoulders. Jaemin coughed and pulled up a smile. </p><p>“Yep! Thanks for helping,” Jaemin tried to sound enthusiastic, and while Jeno seemed to deflate, Renjun was still looking at him critically and unamused. Jaemin tried to ignore the stare as he grabbed his bag and bounded up to Renjun, but the stare was piercing. </p><p>“Okay. You’re welcome,” Renjun said once the two had devolved into a stalemate. Jaemin smiled and inched his way between Renjun and the door, leaving Renjun to frown into the now empty room. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Can I just say that Wattpad is the most confusing website I have ever used? I double posted some of my stories to reach a bit more people, and wow. I don't even know how people FIND stories let alone read them. I found maybe one renmin story that wasn't smut, and the first line had me in tears it was so...unfitting. </p><p>Anyway! There was chapter 2. I'm really gearing in for this story because Stargazing has hit a wall I'm not sure how to jump over. I knew exactly how I wanted it to end until people started giving me their feedback, and now I'm not entirely sure if I will continue with the true ending or try and make up another one. This story does have an ending, but it is completely dictated by how SG ends up, so if I change that, I also have to change this...Yikes!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story is going to be very personal to me, and very heavy. I'm sure that if any of you are returning readers, you know how dark Jaemin's character arc is at the start. I fully intend to finish it off in Stargazing, but I'm going to try and separate his thoughts fully from now on to make sure his perspective of the events is 100% laid out here. </p><p>As someone who has suffered with chronic severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm, I am very cautious about how I represent Jaemin in these stories. I do not condone the actions that he takes, nor do I intend to idealize them. This is a very horrible situation to go through, and it takes a lot of hard work and love to make it out of this point. I love you, and I appreciate you, and I'm so glad you're here. I hope that through this story, through getting a better look at Jaemin's character and why he evolved the way he did, you find hope. You find companionship. I hear you. </p><p>I hope you all enjoy. Thank you so much for sticking through Stargazing if you have.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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